


Don't Leave Me Alone

by DefaltManifesto



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, trans!tyler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 06:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4424933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hi Tyler. I'm Josh."</p><p>Tyler smiles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Leave Me Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I was having angst about my life so here have a fic that is way too personal, enjoy. Title from Kitchen Sink by twenty one pilots

[The tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

Talia Joseph finds out who she is while screaming out stupid lyrics in her basement and slamming her fingers on plastic piano keys.

She doesn't tell anyone.

 

-.-

 

Tyler fists a hand in Josh's hair and presses their lips together hard. He doesn't know what possesses him to do it. Maybe it's just the way he looks, eyes bright and excited as the adrenaline of the show pumps through him. He just looks good like that, even in the dark that is the backstage.

Josh hauls him closer though, so he figures the feeling, whatever it is...it's mutual.

 

-.-

 

Talia loses her virginity to some dick in high school. She mostly does it to prove that she's attractive because she's got these weird hang ups on caring what people think of her. It sucks, because the guy sucks. But it's more than that and she knows what it is but she's not ready to think about it.

She can't name it, because if she does, then it's real.

 

-.-

 

"You don't have to do this you know," Josh says. He pets Tyler's hair and kisses his temple as they sit together on the examination table. "We could try and wait it out."

"I can't," Tyler says. His hands shake and Josh reaches out to hold them in his own. "I wish I could but it's too much."

"It's okay," Josh says. "You're still Tyler. You don't need hormones to tell me that."

Tyler stares down at his chest, still big, still girlish and huge, and tells himself over and over again that Josh is right. The very hormones meant to make him a whole person, meant to make him real, are tearing his mind apart, making him suicidal and impulsive to a degree he just can't handle. Not anymore.

He's never felt so betrayed by his own body.

He's never going to look like a man. 

 

-.-

 

  Talia stares into the kitchen sink, watches the blood spill into it and god it's too much. It's way too much.

"Zack!" she screams. "Zack!"

Zack tumbles down the stares and hisses out her name and a few curses. He turns the overhead light on and grabs the knife from her hand.

"What the fuck did you do Talia?"

"I can't do this anymore," she whispers. Her chest is on fire from the deep cut across the top of her breasts.

"Fuck!" is all Zack says. He grabs a towel and presses it against her chest. "Hold that there. I'm taking you to the hospital."

"Don't tell Mom and Dad-"

"Talia-"

"Please!"

Zack just grabs his keys and hurries her out to his car.

 

-.-

 

"You're amazing," some kid says. His hair's neon pink, shaved on the sides, and he's wearing more eyeliner than she does.

"Yeah?" Talia asks, sitting down across from him at one of the few tables left free at the back of the bar. It's the most popular open mic she's been to in a while. "You know how many guys with pretty eyeliner tell me that?"

"Probably a lot but I'm good at music too. I want to make music with you," he says.

"Number one, I don't even know your name, and number two, that's the worst pick up line ever," Talia says.

"I'm Josh," he says. "And I don't want to sleep with you. I want to show you how good we'd be if we combine our music styles. Let me show you."

"Fine," she says. "We have to practice in the early morning though because that's the only time my brother is gone. Gimme your phone and I'll give you our address."

Josh looks way too happy for a guy who knows he's not getting in her pants.

 

-.-

 

Chris kisses the top of her breast. There's a jagged scar, all bumpy and distorted skin just below where he places his lips. He always avoids it when they fuck. Won't look at it, won't touch it.

Talia's not sure she could stand it if he did.

 

-.-

 

"What's that from? That scar on your chest?" Josh asks.

Talia pauses in pulling a sweatshirt over her tank top. It's their third time trying to play music together and she likes it. It's way better than playing with Chris and Nick, but she still doesn't like him asking questions. "I'll suck your dick if you never ask that again."

"I'll pass on both," Josh says with a smile.

Talia decides he can stay.

 

-.-

 

Tyler stares at the ceiling of the hotel room he and Josh are sharing. He doesn't get why people hate stucco ceiling. He likes it, because if he stands on his tiptoes on the bed he can trace all sorts of things in between the bumps with a pencil. It's light enough that no one will see it unless they get as close as he does.

Josh snores next to him and Tyler resists the urge to bolt from the room and ask for a new one.

It's not the snoring that bothers him.

It's the fact that Josh had touched him the way he'd always longed to be touched.

It's the fact that he liked it.

It's the fact that he wants to do it again but he knows better than to hope anyone could ever see passed the tits on his chest and the cunt between his legs to really see a man.

Josh is just better at pretending.

 

-.-

           

"So we're breaking up for some reason you won't tell me and you want to stay at my place anyways?" Chris asks.

He sounds pissed. Talia can't blame him.

"You need someone to split rent with anyways," she says.

"Is this because Nick and I won't do this music thing long term with you?"

 "No," she says, folding her arms across her chest. "I just...I can't do this anymore and I don't know how to explain why so..."

"You're unbelievable," he says.

"I do care about you," she insists. She wants him to understand that. It's not him at all, she's just too fucked up, more fucked up than he'll ever understand no matter how much she's told him.

"Yeah, whatever. Just move in with your fucking brother or something. At least he _has_ to put up with you," Chris says, turning away and heading for the back of the house.

Talia sits in the living room and stares at the ceiling.

She never understood why no one liked stucco ceilings.

 

-.-

 

Zack holds her hand when they stitch up the cut on her chest. They tell her she'll be fine. She cries all the way through it but she doesn't move an inch. She'd refused to let them numb her.

She wants to remember how it feels.

She wants to remember so she'll never stand over a kitchen sink and try to be something she can never be.

 

-.-

 

"I'm revoking my blow job privileges," Josh says one night.

They're curled on the bunk together. Their tour bus has more than one bunk obviously, but she and Josh always share.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she asks.

"This." He reaches out and traces the scar visible just above her tank top. "What is it from? You said you'd suck my dick if I never asked again but I have to know."

 She shakes under his touch. "I...I tried to cut my tits off when I was twenty. It was after I broke up with Chris and moved in with my brother."

Josh stares right at her, no judgment in his eyes and she finds the strength to keep talking.

"I...something's always been wrong with me and I've never known how to say it," she says. "But something isn't right."

"It's okay," he says.

He cups the back of her head and kisses her forehead. "Thank you for telling me."

"I'm a fuck up Josh, do you get that? I...I swore I'd never do it again but I don't know if I..."

"Hey. I'm here now too," he says. "We'll beat whatever it is together. You can't run from me. I'm gonna follow you forever."

She curls against him and doesn't say anything else.

 

-.-

 

Tyler curses and arches his back, holding Josh's mouth tight against his clit. His feet are twisted in the sheets and he barely has the leverage to thrust himself down against Josh's face. They've gotten themselves tangled up in the hotel sheets and it should be uncomfortable but all Tyler can think about is Josh's mouth and his fingers gripping Tyler's thighs so hard he can feel the bruises forming.

"J-Josh!"

Josh just hums and soon Tyler's cresting, the orgasm shaking through him stronger than he's ever felt. Every other sexual encounter was nothing compared to this. It's like everything else he felt through a haze. This though...this feels crystal clear, zigzagging across his senses until he's nothing but a limp twist of limbs on the bed, pulling in ragged breaths to try and settle himself.

He catches his breath sometime when Josh is tracing shapes on his stomach with two fingers.

"So that was great," Tyler says.

"Fuck yeah it was," Josh agrees, setting his chin on Tyler's hip and smiling up at him. "Want me to do it again?"

"Hell yeah I do."

Tyler's still not sure how Josh does it. Usually, he just tries to pull himself out of his body, watch what's being done to him and pretend to be into it.

Josh though....Josh yanks him back into awareness, keeps him rooted in his body but never thinks of him as anything other than a man. And that...that's safe. That's a safety Tyler's never known.

He's going to follow Josh forever.

 

-.-

 

"I have to tell you something," Talia says.

Josh spits his toothpaste out in the sink and turns to face her. "Okay."

"I'm not Talia," she blurts out. "I...I never have been. I just never knew how to say it so I'm just you know...saying it."

"So..."

"I'm not a girl, Josh," she says.

"Right...so what do I call you then?"

Talia swallows. "Tyler. Call me Tyler."

Josh sticks out his hand and Tyler looks down on it.

"What?"

Josh rolls his eyes and grabs Tyler's wrist so he can fit their hands together and then, very deliberately, he shakes them. "Hi Tyler. I'm Josh."

Tyler smiles.


End file.
